Thursday, February 4, 2010

Neologisms

My mother sent this to me and I thought you might enjoy them.


Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions
to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate
meanings for common words.
Also, The Post has added a "Style Invitational" (see end of Neologism list for these.)


The winners:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die,
your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.


The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

This year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an ass.

7 comments:

Falen said...

those are straight up awesome

Nicole Ducleroir said...

OMG, I am cracking up! These are priceless. I can't pick one favorite, but sarchasm was hilarious!!

Thanks for sharing these and brightening my day!
((hugs)) Nicole

Pat said...

From the Empress of The Style Invitational:

Actually, most (but not all) of both these lists are from two Style Invitational contests from back in 1998 -- it's been added to as it's being passed around cyberspace for the past 12 years. (For example, "caterpallor" and "decafalon" aren't one-letter changes from "caterpillar" and "decathlon," are they?)

Much better to see the actual, current Style Invitational humor/wordplay contests, which run every Saturday in The Washington Post's Style (features) section, and are posted online every Friday about 3:30 p.m. (Eastern time) at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational .

The Invitational offers a wide variety of contests, including neologism challenges like the ones above, plus lots of others. This past week's results were for funny poems about people who died last year; the Feb. 6 column will have "shrunken" movie titles with a new plot description (e.g., "Mildly Soiled Harry": 'Are you feeling yucky today?").

I hope you check out washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational, where you can see the current column and lots of old ones -- and share those instead of these same 12-year-old ones!

I hope you become a regular reader and maybe even a regular entrant.

Best,
The Empress of The Style Invitational

Lady Glamis said...

HAHAH! Thanks for the laugh today!

sarahjayne smythe said...

Those are really great. I especially adore the one on the Doppler Effect. :) Thanks for sharing these with us.

Piedmont Writer said...

I thought these were pretty funny which is why I couldn't resist sharing them. My favorites were 'esplanade' and 'inoculatte'. I wish I had the time to make up some of my own.

Thanks for the invitation Pat, I'll definitely take you up on it.

Julie said...

This is really cool and fun!