I'd forgotten I'd signed up for Roni's (Fiction Groupie) blogfest (otherwise, I'm still unplugged).
This is from my current work in progress REMEMBERING YOU, a contemporary women's fiction-y romance. (having a little trouble with the genre)
Here's my entry, and for those of you who follow the story of Genna & Tony, this is a dirty little secret held onto by Genna's cousin Angie for more than a decade.
********* Rating R- strong language
**** This post has been removed by the author.
36 comments:
Sorry I don't comment more. This held my attention all the way through, which is amazing considering this isn't my kind of story. The one paragraph speech went kind of long, to me; I thought you might have something to break it up, perhaps. Other than a couple of commas and things that need cleaning up, nice work!
Thank you Ted, very much. That one paragraph bothers me too, although Angie does talk too much. Thanks.
I thought maybe she was one of those speed talker types that don't want to pause because they are afraid the other person will jump in!
This is great. You drew me into this conversation and kept my attention all the way through. Nice work!
Wow this story was amazing! So raw and honest. I'm glad Angie came clean to Genna, secrets can really tear a relationship apart even if they are no longer with that person. How awful that she was pregnant and in the end lost the child that is really sad to hear. Not only did she find out the guy didn't even love her but then to lose another thing on top of that... heart-wrenching!
Well done yet again, always keeping me intrigued!
Awesome, Anne, as always! (Alliteration much? Haha) I love this story. :-)
That was awesome - held my attention completely, as always! I love your characterization, I can almost hear Angie's voice as she's relating all this. Great job!
Wow, what a twist! You can break that paragraph up just by picking a spot and inserting a little action, like getting a fresh cup of coffee. I think just after "skank of the universe" would be a good point. This could show that Angie is still bothered by it, because she pauses to collect herself just a moment.
Very sad. You make me want to throw my arm around the girl and chime in also about what a bum he was.
It kept my attention all the way through, despite the fact that I haven't been keeping up with the entire story and know all the players. Very natural and realistic feeling. Good job!!
As the world turns, these are the days of our lives. Dum dum dum!
Babies and cheaters and everything in there.
I agree with some comments that the long speeches are long. I'd like to see some body language in there as well, and maybe some setting, otherwise they might as well be talking on the phone.
This Tony is a piece of work. Love 'em and leave 'em.
Nice job! You should post stuff more often ;)
Ah yes, family secrets. Great direction to take Genna and Angie. I didn't see this coming! And I'm rooting more than ever for Pete and Genna :)) Tony doesn't deserve her!
yay! Good dialogue!
as per Ted's comment, you could break up Angie's big paragraph with some movement. A flick of her hair. eye roll. Something like that
Very fun! I like the dialogue all the way through!
*Gasp*
I didn't see that coming!! Oh man, this gets better and better and BETTER, Anne! You have me hooked til the end of time on this one. Excellent job!
Excellent dialogue, Anne. Genna's distress is palpable, and I was riveted throughout. As others have mentioned, you might consider breaking up the one longer block of Angie's dialogue with an action or two. But definitely don't take the spotlight off her. Angie talks too much and interspersing a couple gestures while keeping the camera focused on her will only work to emphasize that fact.
Lots of high stakes and tension here--really gripping. I like the suggestions others have had to break up Angie's long speech a little. Perhaps Genna's internal thoughts and reactions interspersed, even if she doesn't vocally interrupt, might be a way to handle slicing that large graff down a bit.
I agree with the above comments about the long paragraph. Especially the 999 comment that they might as well be talking on the phone. I think that's the problem. Too matter-of-fact. Genna's' emotions aren't coming through. One "little" thing, for example, that caught my eye. “We slept together.” This is a startling revelation, but it's followed by a bland statement: "Genna got a hold on her emotions." How does she do this? Every detail needs to create tension. This is a tense scene between Angie and Genna.
Hope this helps. And hope you're having a good day.
You guys are totally awesome with the comments. I love love love them. And you are all so right. I KNOW that long speech needs to be broken up, but as it was late last night, I couldn't figure out a way to do it. I have now. And thanks for the direction to take with Genna's emotions. Again, I was just writing and trying to get it all down. I know she's ready to throw up when Angie tells her they slept together but I didn't really know how to write that down. I do now.
So thanks everyone, this has been a great experience thus far.
And Shelley -- *waves* Yeah, I wasn't sure how you were going to take this. I'm glad you like it.
Wonderful dialogue and what a story! Wow. All the elements that captured my emotions as I read along!
I love this!
Visit My Kingdom Anytime
Whoa. That was a twist. I was captivated by their voices and the tale unfolding. All you need is to break up the speeches with some actions and emotional response from Genna as others have mentioned. Great job.
Whoa! I didn't see that coming!
(I'm still Team Tony, though ;)
I love these characters, and you do dialogue well.
I do agree that you need to break up that big monologue...with some movements. (getting a cup of coffee was a good idea.)
Great job.
Love,
Lola
That's a big secret for her to hold onto to. Really enjoyed the excerpt, sucked me right in. :)
Thanks for participating!
Thank you so much for warning me about the language. I know it's a personal choice, and most authors (and readers!) are comfortable with it, but for me, I had to pass.
That line "I could have come home" - so heartbreaking...
emotive and intense. I swear Anne, I never know if I like Tony or not every time I read about these two. So realistic. That dialogue really pulled me in; my nose kept getting closer and closer to the screen.
Have fun with your unplugging.
........dhole
Very poignant! This conversation kept me rivited.
This is so great Anne! You're dialogue has a natural flow to it. But poor Genna, when will that girl catch a break?!
Wow, for a moment, Blogger wouldn't let me comment. Maybe it thinks I write too much as it is.
The others have all said it for me. You write as life so often sadly works out. It felt natural. Crystal is right. Genna needs to catch a break at some time in the book. Hopefully even more than once. It makes the reader feel better.
Thanks for your comments on my post, Roland
Great scene and the dialogue flowed really well.
This is SO well written. Your dialogue is perfect. It shows a very high level of skill to be able to convey so much about the characters through their conversation. The only comment I have is to maybe break up the dialogue a bit, perhaps by including some action. Is anyone playing with their hair? Biting nails? Furrowing brows?
Amazing job!
There were a couple of places where I thought it was a bit too monologue-y. Long paragraphs that might work better if broken up into shorter pieces, with some interruption for the other character or even a third party vying for attention. Otherwise, very well written and an intense scene. To be confronted by so much revelation all at once is like a heavyweight title fight ending with a TKO.
Your dialogue is very natural. Nothing seemed forced or contrived but I agree that some of the long paragraphs need to be broken up with some sort of action or something. Well done!
I've got something for you on my blog. :)
Hee! I love this very messy little family drama. Great conversation. I'm glad Angie and Genna got to have it. And Pete's looking better by the second. :)
Great family drama. Easy to follow even though I don't know anything about these people. Like others, I blinked at the long paragraph and it wouldn't take much to break it up with a little action, or something...:)
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