The Lie Revealed

Good Monday Morning gentle readers. I hope you had a pleasant weekend. I cruised around the blogosphere reading Last Line Blogfest entries and they were all whizz-bang that's for sure. I should have entered but I gave out awards instead. For those of you who haven't picked up yours, please do so. Both Friday and Saturday's posts so scroll down. See if you're there.

I'm feeling almost back to my old self. They say the first week is the hardest and they are so right. But I'm coming back now and watch out. I've got a lot of stuff to talk about.

A couple of shorts:

The Birthday Fairy did bestow upon me the digital camera that I've been coveting. So soon I will be sharing pictures (as soon as I figure out how to use it.)

I finished hanging the first act of the fence. Did not realize I would fall short in the length so I need to get another 50 feet to finish the project. And let me tell you what, for an old city broad, this fence would rival any cowboy's out on the range. The poles are straight and level, the fence is straight and level with no sag up top. Of course, my fingers all have bruises and my back is sunburned again but hey, the fence is up. Well the first 1/3 anyway. Wait til you see the pictures. You'll all be so proud of me.

I believe I will be having my birthday bash this Friday. I have no prizes and will accept no presents but we will have food, fun, and twinkle lights in the trees. (I've always wanted a party with twinkle lights in the trees.) So come on down, it's an open invitation. Swimsuits are required until 9pm. (That's when Monster Baby goes to bed.)

Okay, so here we go with the lies and the truths. For those of you who missed it, Suzy Fields, (the writer, not the cookie maker) bestowed on me the Creative Writer award and with that, the need to make up 6 lies and one truth. I decided, because I can't lie, and I don't lie, I would make up 6 truths and one lie because 1 is easier than 6.

1) In my catering career I once did parties for: an attorney for the Clinton administration, an oil Tycoon from Texas, the president of Vassar College, the brother of the famous Hilton clan, Jasper White, and Todd English. (Jasper White and Todd English are famous food guys. Or they used to be.)

This is true. I was quite the caterer in the day. Clinton's attorney had a clambake for 40 people. That was a logistics nightmare. Jasper White and Todd English, if you know who they are, arent' all that. Believe me. I used to work for the President of Vassar College and his wife, someday I will tell you about the love they shared for 63 years. It's a tear jerker.

2) I have moved 38 times in my adult lifetime. By myself, no moving men involved.

This is true. When I first started out in the restaurant business, I lived at the beach, problem was, at the time the beach house had no heat, so I had to move back to the city, every October and April move back to the beach. I finally found a summer cottage I could rent, which was nice, but I still had to move out or in every six months. That lasted for a good long time. In the last 6 years I've moved 8 times. For someone who only wanted to stay in one place, I haven't. Once this fence is up I'm not going anywhere for at least 5 years. I swear.

3) I was once caught in the middle of a real live standoff between a crazy lady with a sawed off shotgun and the local sheriff's department. I was meeting a friend for BREAKFAST at the local cantina walking through the parking lot minding my own business when a hand reached out from between parked cars and smashed me down to the pavement. Before I could get the verbal abuse out of my mouth he jammed his knee on my chest and fired a shot. They fired back. I peed my pants. When all was said and done, they had arrested a drunk woman who was having a fight with her boyfriend and she decided that if he wasn't going to buy her another beer, she was going to kill him. Needless to say, I missed breakfast.

Yes, this is also true. One of the scariest days in my life. It was 10:30 in the morning, and you must believe, the town I was living in in Nevada was as lawless as they come. Think old west and the OK Corral. Yeah, like that. Everybody had guns in the backs of their trucks. People are larger than life out there.

4) I am a descendant from the Native Americans (Wampanoag) who met the Pilgrims at Plymouth. I am also a descendant of the Pilgrims who met the Wampanoag at Plymouth.

This is true. My Uncle Jake, traced our people all the way to the Massasoit, the chief of the tribe. My cousin David, traced our line back to England. I so want to do that show, "So Who Do You Think You Are" on Friday nights (Or whatever it's called.)

5) I once had to set my fractured ribs back in place, by myself, just me and my friend Jack Daniels. Do you have any idea how hard it is to bind your ribs with one hand? With boobs in the way?

To all who thought this was the lie, it's not, it's true. I had 3 separate accidents to my left side in the span of 2 days. By themselves, you laugh them off, put them together and you get a whole lot of hurt. Somehow in all the mess, I inadvertantly dislodged the scar tissue surrounding the ribs I had broken when I was 17. I thought I was going to die. Without insurance, and the looming medical bills, I decided to buck up and fix it myself. I'm good that way. Anyway, I laid in bed, drank a half bottle of Jack and then reached behind me with my good hand and began pressing things back together. I heard a thunk, then another, then another and I could breathe again. About the binding, yeah, not so much. Between the boobs and the Jack, I couldn't really do it. (Sorry Terry) so I slept sitting up for about 3 weeks. Is this a half-truth?

6) I once took care of a woman who had been in the Blitz during WWI in England. Whenever it would thunder and lightening, she ran around the house screaming, "There's a Duchess among us, stand tall, there's a Duchess among us."

This is the lie. When I worked for the President of Vassar, his wife told me the story of when they lived in England in an old castle during the war. There were several people living there (because most had gotten bombed out of their homes) one being a Duchess. There was also a poor woman who had lost her entire family and home and was quite mad. SHE was the one who would run around the castle when the thunder started, screaming, "There's a duchess among us, stand tall, there's a duchess among us." As an aside, I was told, this poor woman, also never wore clothes, usually an old housecoat and Welly's. She also had a pet duck and carried it everywhere. Poor thing.

7) My grandmother was always the biggest Red Sox fan. She left me her love of the game when she died and I took it to heart. Every summer it was one of anguish and heartbreak, but still I perservered. I never gave up hope. The year they won the pennant I was pregnant with Monster Baby. I always said, that she was the reason, "The Curse of the Bambino" was broken.

I don't know if this is true or not, but it happened and I believe it. So it must be true.


So there we have it, my Creative Truths. I hope you enjoyed them. And for all you who think I've lived an interesting life, well, thanks, sometimes I think yes, and other days, compared to other's I've met, yeah, not so much.

Have a lovely Monday, I'll see you tomorrow. Promise.

What Are You?

I had to fill out an online questionaire the other day and one of the questions was --what is your occupation? I really wanted to say "Domestic Goddess" but thought that might not be suitable. "Domestic Engineer" as I do have my own power tools, but then again, no. I'm a stay at home mother, who can build things and is not afraid of climbing ladders. I can mix cement, and lay flooring, hang sheetrock and cedar shingles. I know the difference between joint compound and spackle. I can prune trees, trim shrubs and grow just about anything. I can even make dirt.

I can also sew, mend, crochet, bake, cook, type, repair broken toys, broken hearts and broken videos, scoop doggy poop, get rid of stains, build a perfect fire in the fireplace, am an expert in the placement of band-aids, can conserve money, energy, gas and water, help my friends, forgive my enemies, and sometimes see into the future.

But still, what is my occupation? I didn't want to say stay-at-home-mom. And I am not knocking that profession at all, no way, no how. I think stay at homers should make at least $20-$35 per hour. It's hard work and a dirty, ungrateful job most of the time. I mean, I do it too. But that's not what I am.

I am a writer. I finished writing a novel. Yes, I looked in the mirror and said to my reflection "I am a writer." (Janet Reid and Davin Malasarn at the Literary Lab both had posts on this, funnily within weeks of each other last year. Coincidentally, just as I finished with Masquerade.)

Now, some could say, I am a pre-published author, but I will not use that term. I think it's cheating. It's like pre-cooked bacon. Sure you could eat it cold out of the box, it's been cooked, but yuk, heat it up again. "Pre-published" is like "domestic goddess". We are all goddesses (with the exception of the men -- who would then be referred to as gods but we don't want their egos blowing up all around us now do we), hence, we are also all pre-published.

Then I had the most amazing, fantastical, mind-blowing thought -- I could be a novelist. Ooooh, doesn't that sound rich? And fancy, and so F. Scott Fitzgerald-ish. So I looked it up in The New Lexicon Webster's Dictionary -- "novelist - a person who writes novels." Hey, wow, look at that. Isn't that what I do? I write romance novels. So couldn't I call myself a novelist then? And well, yes, yes I did. I finished filling out the questionaire and I wrote down novelist where it says occupation. How much fun was that?

I'll tell you what, it changed my way of looking at the world. I used to be a writer. I could write all day long and it was pretty good. Now that I'm a novelist, well, let me tell you about the sky, or the flowers, or the great dialogue I had with a friend. Even the air smells better. I could be channeling Hemingway. Okay, maybe it's not all that. But it is kind of fun if you think about it.

The question today gentle readers, is, which are you -- writer or novelist?

A Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, in a place called Oceania, there lived a little cook. She was smart, she was beautiful and she waited for the day when she would meet her Handsome Cook Charming.

One day in Cook School, while she was beating her eggs, a very nice boy stopped by her station to say hello. He was so handsome she dropped her bowl of eggs and they splattered all over the floor. The boy helped her pick them up and every day after that he would meet her for coffee at the local Dunkin' Donuts. He made her laugh, and told her she was pretty, he was very handsome and very smart. They fell in love. But one day, the little cook introduced him to her best friend. Soon the little cook wondered why her handsome cook boy wasn't spending as much time with her as he used to. He gave her the excuse he was busy. But it wasn't true. The handsome cook boy was having an affair with the little cook's best friend. The little cook cried for a long time, but then, having graduated from cook school and started a new job, she soon forgot about the handsome cook boy.

At this new job, the little cook learned all about bartending. One day a handsome young man walked into the bar. He paid the little cook compliments, and left an enormous, outrageous tip. The little cook was flabbergasted at that, and went all over town searching for the handsome bar boy. She found him at last, and the two started spending so much time together, all their friends thought they should get married. The little cook thought that was a marvelous idea but the handsome bar boy said no. His mother did not like the little cook, and we all know that handsome bar boys must do as their mother tells them.

As the little cook progressed in her career, one night out with friends, she met a handsome sailor boy. Now some people believe in love at first sight, and the little cook was one of them. The handsome sailor boy was SO handsome he made the little cook's heart beat so fast she thought it would beat right out of her chest. The handsome sailor boy thought she was witty and clever and charming. The little cook adored the handsome sailor boy, but soon the handsome sailor boy began asking the little cook about her passion. She answered, "Well, of course, that's you." And he replied, "No, someTHING you are passionate about?" The little cook couldn't think of anything other than him. The handsome sailor boy's passion was sailing and didn't want to think about love with the little cook, so one day he got on a boat and sailed off to the Keys.

After a long time, the little cook decided she would try something called internet dating. She met a handsome teacher man who said she was wonderful and how he loved her food and he would love her forever, if she would only marry him. The little cook took him home to meet her parents. They thought he was wonderful. The little cook planned their wedding with glee, bought a beautiful gown, booked a restaurant, and had the invitations made up. One day, the little cook overheard a conversation the handsome teacher man was having with his best friend. The friend asked if the handsome teacher was really going to go through with the wedding. The handsome teacher said, "Of course. Once her parents die, she will get all their money and that fabulous beach house. I won't have to work another day in my life." The little cook cried and cried and ran away.

After a very long time, the little cook found herself working at a casino in the far-off land of Nevada. There she dated a lot of nice men, a lot of handsome men, and a lot of okay men. The little cook's heart had been broken one too many times for her to trust herself as far as men were concerned so she kept her secret heart hidden from everyone. Until she met the handsome miner man. They dated, and dated, and dated, and then one magical Christmas Eve he told her he loved her. The little cook was in heaven and her heart blossomed open again. Until one day, the handsome miner man's ex-wife showed up in town. Unfortunately for the little cook, the handsome miner man wanted to get back together with his ex-wife and broke the little cook's heart. So the little cook ran away back home to Oceania.

A long, long time passed. One night as she and her BFF were having a refreshing liquid beverage, a boy from her old high school came into the tavern. He spent time with the little cook and her friend and made them laugh until they cried. He told the little cook he wanted to see her again and again and the little cook said that would be okay. Finally, the little cook began to believe that the high school boy truly loved her. One day, to her complete surprise the little cook found out she was going to have a baby. She knew she would love the baby and she knew she loved the high school boy so she decided to keep it. The little baby was beautiful, everyone said so, and the little cook was so happy she cried. But then, one day, the little cook found out the high school boy had lied to her...about everything. He did not love her, or the baby, he did not own his own construction business, he did not even own the construction truck. He was a professional con man and he only wanted to be with the little cook because she had made so much money cooking. But now she had the baby, the little cook had stopped working and there was no money. He left her and the baby to fend for themselves in the big, cold, world.

The little cook and her little baby went back to her parents beach house where they lived happily for a long time. The little cook did not think about love anymore because she had so many other things to think about. One day, her parents told the little cook that she and her baby would have to leave the beach house and move away to a place called the Piedmont. The little cook cried and cried, she loved the beach house and didn't want to leave it ever but she had no choice. She couldn't find a place for her and the baby and the two dogs and the cat to live. So she packed up all her belongings, the baby, the two dogs and the cat and moved to the Piedmont to be next to her parents who were suddenly very old. The little cook knew it was her responsibility to take care of them for they had taken care of her all their lives. The little cook was miserable. She had no friends, she had no job for no one wanted to hire a little cook from a place called Oceania, and she had no love.

After a long time, the little cook adjusted to her life in the Piedmont. She had finally made one friend, her little baby was in school, and the little cook had written a book. One day, she met a wizard who told her that her handsome Cook Charming was on his way. The little cook laughed in his face. The wizard said, "You will be very surprised when this happens. He is coming from far across the sea. You see, he has been looking for you all his life." And the little cook asked the wizard, "If what you say is true, how will I know this is the Cook Charming I have been waiting for all my life and not just another low-life scumbag who sucks all my love or wants to marry me for my parent's money." And the wizard said, "You must open your heart and not be afraid. He will possess great strength, and fortitude when it comes to loving you. He will also possess a bright gleam in his beautiful green eyes when he looks at you and your lovely daughter. He will have his own job and his own money and his own vehicle. He will love you and care for you and forgive you for not believing him when he tells you he loves you. Know what I say is true." The little cook wanted to believe the wizard so she asked him, "When will he come?" And the wizard replied, "I do not know. I only know he's on his way if you believe."

So the little cook waited....


Happy Valentine's Day!!

A Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away called Oceanna, lived a woman who cooked. She cooked for the King & Queen, the peasants, the merchants, the scholars, she cooked for everyone. The people loved her food and news spread far and wide how fantastic it was. She was happy and healthy and loved her job. One day, a messenger came and asked the cook if she would relocate to a land even farther away so she could cook for other people. She decided that she would go, even though it broke her heart to leave, but life was all about adventure wasn't it. And the new people would love her food too so it wouldn't be so bad.

It was worse. She cooked and cooked in this new land but nobody ate her food. So it went rotten. She cooked more food, but the new people thought it was horrible and different and wouldn't even taste it. The little cook became sad and put away her spoons and mixing bowls, turned off the oven and decided to do something else to make money to return to her former land. But no one would hire her because she couldn't do anything else besides cook. They knew her food was horrible and different so why should they take a chance on her.

The little cook had no money, no job, no friends, and no way of ever getting back to Oceanna. One day she crawled into her bed and cried herself to sleep. She stayed there for many months until one day she woke up and said to herself, "I can read and write, I'll write a book, sell it, and then I can go back home to cook." So she wrote her book, every day, scribbling and scratching away and one day, she wrote "The End". The book was finished and she ran into the town to show the booksellers to see if they would buy her book. They said no, she was a cook, not a writer, how dare she write a book. The little cook was even sadder. How was she going to get home now?

One day, she was walking down the path that led to the Great Forest. She thought if she walked far enough she might get to the other side and be able to find her way back to Oceanna. On the path was a beautiful fairy princess who said,
"Oh little cook, I've seen how sad you are. No one will eat your food, or be your friend, or buy your book so you can return home. But if you will come with me perhaps I can assuage your sadness." So the little cook went with the fairy princess who showed her a darling little cottage in the woods. It was all set up with a bedroom and furniture, enough food in the fridge to eat, and a brand new shiny computer with printer all set-up for her to use. The little cook was surprised but happy and sat down at her little computer and started banging at the keys and found herself writing more and more and loving every minute of it.

Then, just when she was getting ready to see if the booksellers would buy a different book she had written (because it was written in a different genre and POV) the fairy princess came back. "Oh little cook, I have some news. There is a couple in the town who would like you to cook for them. They have just moved here and cannot eat the food in town. They have sent out a search team to find someone to cook for them and I thought of you. However, you must go through three tests to get this job. If you pass the tests and get the job you will be rewarded with riches beyond your imagining. If you work for a year, you could return to Oceanna with enough money to buy new pots and pans. But first you have to pass the three tests."

The little cook was in a quandry. What was she to do? She finally had found something else to make her happy but now was the opportunity to make all the riches she had once had, and enough to allow her to return home.

"Okay," she said, "What are the three tests?"

"First," said the fairy princess, "you have to write down all the things you know about cooking. Every single thing. Then you have to go to this place called 'A Big Box Office Store' and FAX them all you have written. If you pass that test, then you will be granted the first interview. If after you pass the interview, you will have to pass another test, a back ground check to see if you are trustworthy enough. If you pass that test, then you will go through two more interviews, and then you will be asked to cook for the new couple to see if they like your food."

The little cook thought that was a lot of work to just do something she loved and was good at, but the riches were so great, and she wanted to go home so badly, she said, "Yes, I will do it." However the fairy princess warned that if she got the cooking job she would have to give up her writing. There was no way she could do both. The cooking job would take up all her free time.

But then, in a bizarre twist of fate, a bookseller said he was interested in a short story she had written, it was very well done, and would she like to have it published. The little cook jumped for joy and cried because she was so happy. She was proud of her writing and wanted to continue with it, she had finally been validated but then she thought about the riches that were to be gained by cooking to go home.

What was she to do?