Okay, here goes. Now remember this is a FIRST draft. I've also cut out a few things from the original to try and make this shorter but I wanted you to get the gist.
Set-up: This is still Saturday night at the party at the bar after the girls come back from the ladies room.
****** Disclaimer -- Rated R for mature themes.
Sorry this post has been removed by the author.
28 comments:
I don't read much romance so I'm not an expert but this looks pretty good to me. I like the twist at the end.
If you're looking for feedback/critique I would suggest posting this somewhere like Nathan Bransford's forums:
http://forums.nathanbransford.com/viewforum.php?f=12&sid=6548c8df3ca2f5f94f93434c7de1b5ac
That way people can quote your text and make comments on each section.
You probably already know all this though, so if you're posting just to share ... thanks. It was a fun read.
Matthew -- Thank you.
Great job, Anne. I could really feel Tony's sorrow and Genna's reticence.
And of course the twist! Wow. I can't wait to read more!
You're braver than me by far. I don't have the guts to post any of my manuscript on my blog. I posted the first 450 pages of my fantasy on the above mentioned forums, and although the people were great at feedback, I walked away from it feeling like a retard. Okay, maybe not that bad, but like someone who had no business writing. Everyone was confused. My story just has too many strange things that need more than a few hundred words to explain :-)
** I mean 450 WORDS, not pages.
Christi -- You don't have to publish your ms. on the blog because you post so much other FABULOUS writing! anyone who reads you knows how talented you are. I just don't have anything else to put up here. And I don't do forums, I have you guys.
Summer -- Thanks, are you sure Tony's not wooden? I've read it so many times I can't get his take anymore. And yeah, the twist -- that came out of NOWHERE!!!!
oooh tantalizing! i'm pretty hooked after that pregnancy bombshell
That was good twist!
Loved that twist, Anne! This story sounds right up my alley :)
LOVE it! I sat thisclose to my computer screen clutching onto every word until the twist ending. I am hooked. Great job Anne!
Great twist at the end! You definitely left me wanting more.
Well, thank you all so much. Believe it or not I only added the twist about two hours before I wrote it. I'd been having so much trouble with it, and didn't want to write it, and then BLAM, it came to me like a lightening bolt. And then I couldn't get to the keyboard fast enough.
We'll have to see what happens next week then shall we?
Anne, this was such an emotional scene! It must have been hard for Tony to admit so many mistakes, but I really sensed his need to purge that horrible guilt. I wonder if he feels responsible, on some kind of karmic level, for all the misfortune that followed his greedy decisions, or if he's the kind of man who doesn't see life that way, who just needed to come clean to the woman he's always loved? Looking forward to reading the whole thing.
What a zinger at the end! I love a great twist.
Write on, sista!
Wow. You've been a busy, busy girl. :) Well done, because I really feel for Tony here. And Debbie and Genna, too. So I'll just be sitting here, hanging around, waiting for the next little excerpt. :)
Nicole -- Tony's really a mess right now. He sort of does think in that Karmic vein but feels because he's taken care of Debbie through all that and lost the restaurant over it, he and Karma are squared. Guess what, Karma ain't done with Tony yet.
Sarah Jayne -- Yeah, you know, I feel for Debbie too, and I didn't really want to. When the whole thing started she was such a bitch, and now she's just such a poor pitiful creature. And you say this -- "So I'll just be sitting here, hanging around, waiting for the next little excerpt..." like you want me to send you everything I've done so far. Dearest, if you want to read it thus far, you've only to ask. I'll send it to you.
Enjoyed that. Immensely. Great twist.
More, more! :)
Wendy -- Right here every Thursday, same bat time, same bat channel.
That was really good. I'm also intrigued. I'll have to come back every Thursday for another taste. It kinda has a soap opera feel to it; and I love to get hooked on those.
.......dhole
Donna -- Yeah, it does sound like a soap doesn't it? But hey, I watched "Day's" for almost 20 years straight. We'll see what happens next Thursday.
What's different about this and Teaser Tuesdays is that I know I'll get more in just a week, so its alright. :) Interesting twist at the end!
DL -- I try and give the interesting conversations on Thursdays so you all can follow the story along as I write it. Kind of like "reality tv" without the tv.
That is some twist! I didn't see it coming.
This is a really great scene. My favorite part is when Genna says she never wished him this kind of pain. That's what I love to see in a character! Great, truly great job :)
Anne, I absolute didn't think Tony came off as wooden. He came off as someone who wants to get everything off his chest as fast as he can, to someone who he dealt with in adolescence and now as an adult isn't quite sure how to handle.
I don't know much about soaps, but I know I'm hooked! :-)
Whoa! That twist at the end was great! Here's my favorite line:
Genna looked at the man she had loved and hated for so long.
Thanks for sharing!
Awesome dialogue - I love it! There's so much feeling here, and a great twist at the end.
Hi, Piedmont. Found your blog from your comments at sarahjayne's blog.
Ooh, nice twist at the end. Definitely a page turner/tune in tomorrow moment (I'm a lover of soaps so the "tune in tomorrow" always comes to mind with a cliffhanger)
This line intrigued me:
Genna looked at the man she had loved and hated for so long.
Keep going. I know how hard it can be to share things you write.
Wow, great stuff! Nice punch at the end, too. Looks like you're rocketing along! Keep it up, you're doing wonderful!!
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