Monday, January 4, 2010

A Different Excerpt

I thought you might like to see what I do with setting. This is just a descriptive set-up for the next scene. Genna's real name is Rosa. They call her Genna because it's her last name -- Genovase. (It makes more sense in the context of the whole book.)

*****Sorry this post has been removed by the author.


Lady Glamis said...

Wow, lots of emotions and descriptions! I like how you tie in all her emotions with what she sees and feels. You've got a lot of textures in here, both with words and setting and emotions. Nice!

My only suggestion (oh, gosh, I hate saying that. Maybe I should just keep suggestions for email if you want them. I just feel negative, when in reality, I enjoyed this a lot!) is to watch your spliced commas. They tripped me up a bit, especially at the beginning.

Piedmont Writer said...

I hate comma's. They are a pain in my thought process. I use them when I write, then I take them all out, then I put them back in when I revise, then I move them around because I speak differently than I write.

Oh woe is me.

sarahjayne smythe said...

I really like how you tie the visual (the flowerbeds) with memory and with Genna in the present. And then how you link it all to home.

I particularly like this passage:

Genna climbed the three steps to the porch and marveled at the array of herbs, flowers and green things growing in clay pots, old coffee cans, and plastic margarine tubs. No space was wasted and she picked a sprig of basil and put it in her mouth. She was home.

And then you tie it all together with the flip side of that:

Tears came and fell unbidden down her cheeks and she collapsed on the bed. Sobbing, she knew it was a mistake to come home. Who was it that said, ‘You can’t go home again?’ Genna knew it was a universal truth now and would tell her shrink as soon as she could get up the energy to call her.

I think that it’s very effective.

Lady Glamis said...

Don't be woe! It's beautiful! Commas are easily fixed.

Piedmont Writer said...

Thanks you guys for commenting on my stuff. It's nice to know you don't think it's crap.

I actually didn't think it was too bad either. Maybe I should switch from Regency to contemporary eh? Maybe I should let you decide.

Lady Glamis said...

That is only a choice you can make, Anne. :D