Wednesday, August 18, 2010
In Their Own Words -- Genna
Hi. My name's Genna. But you probably knew that already didn't you. This is so strange having to talk about myself but I guess there are still some things that have to be said.
I know everyone else has pretty much told you my story. My sad little story. It's not how I imaginged my life to be that's for sure. I had a pretty normal childhood. Piano, ballet, little league. Mommy would take me down to the beach all the time. Mommy loved the beach. Even in winter. She said it soothed her soul. Especially after talking to Nana. Nana didn't want Mommy to marry my father. She said he wasn't good enough and let Mommy know it every chance she could. Nana can be a jerk sometimes.
Pappi was a baker. He worked for a bread company in Fall River. He liked it I guess but I know he always dreamed about him and Uncle Sally opening up a bigger restaurant, where Uncle would cook and Pappi would make the desserts. I guess that's why I always wanted to be a chef. So I could follow in my father's footsteps.
Pappi was so handsome. And Mommy was beautiful. I look like her but I have Pappi's nose. Oh God, I miss them so much sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I love my aunt and uncle more than anything in the world, but my parents were my parents. After they died, well, I learned to look at life a lot differently.
It sucks. I mean, I've gotten used to it, but it still sucks. I feel like an orphan, and I have more relatives than I can even count. I have more love in my life than I know what to do with. But you know, sometimes I feel so alone. Which is why I guess I've been in therapy for the last fifteen years.
I think this is also why I'm such a workaholic. I want to prove to them, my parents, that I can do things. I don't want to wallow in self-pity and depression. It could eat me alive. Tony taught me that.
I know, I know, Tony is a sleaze. You all think so. Everybody thinks so. And that's where my head and my heart get all messed up. I know Tony, deep down. He loves me. Really loves me. No one else can see that, but I know Tony. He's just screwed up that's all. His parents did it to him. His father was a raging alcoholic, his mother, a bitter old bitch. But Tony worked it out. He had me. And after my parents died, I had him.
We had a good thing for awhile. But then he married Debbie. I guess if I look back on it now, with a clear head, I can see where the money would have been the deciding factor. That's one thing I can say about Tony, he always had ambition. His problem was he never wanted to wait for anything. Totally into instant gratification. And when Debbie offered him the money, well, I can see where that would be tempting. I was in Italy, what could I do? I was trying to learn all there was to know about real Italian food, yeah, so we could use it in the restaurant.
And when I came back he realized just what he did. His instant gratification killed him. And us.
And now, here we are. We had a long talk, said all the things we wanted to say. I've forgiven him the past. He says he wants a future. He says he wants to try again. And with Nana's money we could open that restaurant we always dreamed of. It would be so easy to fall right back into his arms. So easy. Well, you know, I already did. But it wasn't right somehow. It felt cheap. Like I was trying too hard to get back the past. I don't know, does that make any sense? But I don't think we can go back. We have to move forward. Can I move forward with Tony? Do I take that chance?
And now there's Pete. Oh God, Pete. Have you met him? Madre di Dio, is he a hottie or what? He's soooo great! And funny, smart, and real nice. Did I tell you he sent me flowers the other day. Isn't that the sweetest thing? Men don't send flowers anymore. Any girl would give her right arm to snag him. I know I really want to. He kisses like a dream. And you should see him in his uniform.
I'm leaving to go back to Delaware in ten days. I don't want to lead Pete on, I don't want him to think there's a future for us if there's not. And what kind of future would it be? Long distance relationships never work out. I'm working, he's working. And what about Tony? I've been in love with him my whole life. We have a history. We could have a future. It would be so easy.
What am I going to do?